Sometimes a public apology is the first place to start.

The way I've been feeling during the past week is the lowest I've felt in quite some time. A few weeks ago anyone who saw me probably witnessed the glow that came from living in Costa Rica. Of living to the fullest every day after closing my laptop to have an evening and weekend of adventures.

Yesterday I had a hard time not eating an entire bowl of cookie dough. What changed?

Maybe I should back up. Let's rewind to March of 2020. It's spring semester, and it's cold as fuck. Minnesota gets that way. But as a Kansan, I'm still getting used to it. It's my last semester in grad school. All of us second years are feeling it. The drag of our feet to go to class, the pressure to have a job lined up...plans. I'm in the middle of a rather extensive grant application for a fellowship which I think is the perfect post-masters opportunity. I had been dating someone who threw around the idea of taking a trip to Miami for spring break. It was the wildest thing I could have imagined. I was never that spontaneous. But he was incredible. And motivating. And I thought, what the hell? Why can't I be a student AND have spontaneous adventures?

We broke up shortly thereafter but I still had a desire to travel. I had some travel rewards miles to use, and after narrowing it down to Bali or Costa Rica, the travel rewards miles spoke. Costa Rica it is!

At that point, most people had a bit of a leery feeling about travel. Word was starting to get around that there was this virus going around that was pretty deadly, and that some people were starting to get really sick from it. I told myself, eh, I'm young and healthy. When else am I going to get to do something like this? I networked my way into finding a local contact - Thanks John and Karen! - and made arrangements for a practically beach-front Airbnb, local excursions, and the like in Jacó.

Day 2 in Costa Rica I met Alonso. To this day I believe he's my soulmate. Most people think a soulmate is the same as a lover but I've always thought about it as someone who sees you. Someone who will help you reveal your worst qualities even while being one of your best friends. Alonso and I met at a dance class. The rest of the trip he ended up becoming my local tour guide. 

With the onset of the pandemic, my classes and work all went online, and I decided to rebook my flight to stay a little longer. When else will I have this opportunity? , I thought to myself. No one knew what this thing was. All I knew was that I had found someone quite amazing with whom I wanted to spent much more time. 

Again, I networked my way to finding an alternative living arrangement, this time a beach-front condominium. With high-speed internet and AC, I was good to go. Except that the family was getting quite concerned. They convinced me to come home earlier, even though I really didn't want to leave. In retrospect, I know that I made my decision out of fear, even though I knew I would have been safe staying for an extra week. 

Alonso's daughter and son-in-law drove me to the airport. I felt like my time in Costa Rica was unfinished. I still regret coming back early.

Alonso and I stayed in touch. We chatted almost every day for 10 months, whether by phone or video chat. I got to know him very well. Every time we spoke I felt more and more like it wasn't a coincidence that we met. He had this spiritual leaning that I just couldn't get over. I felt more and more connected to him as I started reading my horoscope and listening to tarot card readings. He invited me to spend Christmas with him. And I booked a flight to spend seven weeks this winter living with him and working remotely.

But. There's alway a but, isn't there? And this is one of the greatest 'buts' that I think I've ever ignored. 

I didn't listen to my intuition. I ignored every red flag. During moments when things were said and my body contracted in response, I pretended things would be different later on.

Communication is one of the areas of my life where I struggle the most. This is not new. I've had similar issues come up with roommates, previous romantic relationships...there's this common theme that I hold on to the vision of what can be, instead of seeing things for what they are. I imagine myself as the person I can be in the relationship, instead of just being myself. 

I think relationships should be seen as vehicles for personal growth, and they certainly have the capacity to do so, but there is a limit. There are things that you should probably just say - okay, this isn't working, and it's probably not going to change. How can I make this situation better? - instead of not saying anything at all.

It took me 11 months to get around to saying how I really felt. How I had felt from the beginning and had hoped would change. No one deserves to be lied to for that long. Hence, a bowl full of cookie dough, many tearful nights, and I'm sure many more painful conversations with friends and family to come.

I let things go too long, Alonso, without saying anything. I know I have lost your trust and I don't ever expect to regain it. I wish that I didn't have to learn this lesson in this way. I wish we could still maintain communications and that I could be part of your top 5. You know, the top 5 people you surround yourself with, and you become the average? You've taught me so much. I'm a better person because of you. You deserve someone so much better than me, and I know that you will find that person. I'm sorry. I'm so, so deeply sorry for what I didn't say and the illusions that I created about our future.

The posts that follow, I hope, will serve as a tribute to the many ways in which you, your family, and your friends, have left an indelible mark on my heart. It was my hope that all of my post-Costa Rica posts would be glowing, positive, and dripping with tropical glee. Yet it is much heavier than I could have imagined. The gravity of these circumstances require that I stand in the pain that I've caused, admit that I made a mistake, and move forward. This is where it starts.