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| Snapshot of flowers and herbs I've been selling at the Pelican Market |
I think I'm starting to realize what it feels like to break up with yourself. As in, an identity that you've held for yourself for years.
How many times have I introduced myself as 'farmer' or 'future farmer'? What really constitutes a farmer, anyways? I remember thinking to myself just last week that 'wow, if I break 1K this season, I'll be officially recognized by the U.S. government as a farmer'. How dumb.
What's more dumb is what it feels like to be working against the grain, putting energy in the wrong places, and coming out on the other side like a torn up rag. It's not that I've utterly failed at growing this season. In fact, I receive many compliments from customers and love to see the light in their eyes when they come upon my flowers at the Pelican Market on Friday afternoons.
But it's the deep seated feeling that this is not right that's making me shed tears more than I'd like to admit. I think I'm breaking up with this identity - this vision that I've had for myself for going on 6 years - that I would become a farmer. That I'd be this successful farmer that builds community around what I do and how I share my love for food with others, bridging cultures and all of these cool amazing things.
Instead, I'm being run ragged, sleep deprived, constantly thinking about what's next on my to-do list, trying not to worry about how much money I'm investing, knowing that the positive karma and love that I've put in to things will come back to me somehow. I try to brush off the encouraging words from friends that one bad week isn't everything. It's not. And I know that. I've worked on farms for long enough part-time to know that not every day is a good day.
But I think having the personal investment - and loss - was probably essential in order for me to realize that the real power I have isn't just in growing food. It's in using my words and my intellect. The 'storyteller' in me is what's going to pay the bills, and while it's heartbreaking to admit it, I think I'm probably going to serve the world in a bigger way if I focus more on how to use food to bring people together as opposed to earning an income. Relationships are the best currency we have anyways, right?
Don't get me wrong. Growing, gardening, or homesteading..whatever form it takes, I will always be a student to nature. I never want that to change, and I always want to be closely connected to the farming community and to the land.
So where does that leave me, and where do I go from here?
Since writing the first draft of this post, I've come to see how this experience was meant to play into the bigger picture, and the story that must be told about women's roles in food and agriculture. Over the last two months, I've had the pleasure of getting to see what it looks like first-hand to build community. To see folks on a weekly basis that not only come clamoring for the next iteration of bouquets, but updates about economic development projects, park board happenings, commercial kitchen ideas, and more. I've had folks bring me empty flower vases and flower fertilizer they no longer need. I've witnessed the market grow and blossom and at the same time recognize the limits to its growth if things continue in the way they have.
When it comes to the evolution of farm businesses, I think that all farms that seek to have a social impact should have to sell at the farmers market as a right of passage for at least 1 season. Why? Because nothing beats the social capital that can be built by being in front of people every week, explaining the passion that you have for the products you're selling and how it connects to the deeper mission that drives your work. Pretty much any way you try to spin it, the ROI of time vs. money made doesn't work out to be profitable in terms of traditional accounting - dollars and cents-wise, I'm probably losing more than I'm making.
But in the aquarian system of currency (the idea that you'll exchange what you receive in the way that you can, in service to others or non-traditional gifts), I feel so, so rich. Because what I'm building right now are the connections that will propel me and the vision I have forward when the time comes for me to ask for help. This is what excites me more than anything.
I've invested lots of time, love, and passion into building the framework for a company that could change the way we think about farming - not just here in the States but everywhere across the globe. And I'm so freakin nervous and excited to be so close to launching it. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that once this information is shared with the public, and with my community, I will no longer be able to hide. I'll have to step into becoming the woman that can stand behind such a large vision. And she's a lot more badass, outspoken, and loving than the person I feel I am today. I get filled with anticipation when I think about the people who will be drawn to these ideas and this work, and the incredible community that we can build together. There are so many unknowns, but if there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that there are folks in the world who are seeking me in the way I seek them. It's only a matter of time before our paths come into alignment!
The landing page is all that's available right now, but I figure I can at least encourage folks to sign up for our first newsletter, which will announce when the site goes live. Check it out for yourself!
mezclada.co
Lastly, I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has stopped by the farmers market this season for conversation, questions, and words of encouragement. Thank you to those who have sought out additional market channels for me for my unsold flowers and herbs, and to those who continue to bring me empty vases. :D I'm most definitely going to be growing again next year, but probably under very different circumstances! I can't wait to bring you along for the journey.
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