Early on in my trip to Costa Rica, Alonso had me listen to my tarot card reading. I can't remember if it was for December or January, but something that stood out was that I would be making a big trip and that I had the intention of looking for love. Love is definitely a theme of my trip. It showed up in so many ways: Running around from store to store to buy Christmas gifts; having sopa Azteca ordered for delivery so I could have a hot, fresh meal for lunch; being shown how to properly apply makeup; a peck on the cheek; a fierce hug; an unexpected gift...Love has so many manifestations. When we think about love, a lot of time we're trapped into the image of what can exist between two people. For those that are bit more imaginative, between people and animals, plants, and the land...but what about love for oneself?
By far, the greatest gift that Alonso has given me to date is demonstrating what it looks like to love oneself and allowing me the space, permission, and encouragement to practice internalizing it. I will never forget stopping at the gas station in Punta Arenas and Alonso coming back with two ice cream treats. It was a steamy day. We were both kind of frustrated by how long and complicated errands had become. But he was so quick to find a way to use the moment as an opportunity to demonstrate a point he had long ago learned to embrace himself - "Eso es quererse," he said, and I couldn't help but laugh out loud. This is loving oneself. "I always tell my kids to go for the good quality ice cream," he said. "If you're going to splurge, you might as well do it well."
There's so many ways that you can tell Alonso truly loves himself. It shows up in his diverse array of colognes, his wardrobe and shoe collection, his three showers a day...I've struggled with self-love over the course of my life on many fronts. Eating issues with sugar, inconsistent exercise regimes, denying myself splurges because I didn't think that it was worth the money or that I deserved something so nice. A lot of environmental concerns about capitalism and consumerism have influenced the way I view shopping in general, but I also realize that these thoughts have pervaded other parts of my life. My willingness to accept help, to own my flaws and failures, experience pleasure, dance without reservation and fear of what others will think. Within the first week of meeting Alonso almost a year ago, I remember him chastising me for saying that the beach-front condo I had scored was too much for me. "You're worthy of this and so much more," he said matter of factly.
Since that trip, I've made a lot of changes to my lifestyle, and before returning to Costa Rica for the second time, including the embodiment of self love. My morning ritual is by far the biggest (and best) change I've made. I meditate first thing, write in my gratitude journal, read for a bit, then do some kind of exercise. Depending on how I'm feeling, I'll do yoga, go for a walk, jog, or box. When I was in Costa Rica, I did quite a bit of swimming.
Alonso taught me that I have much more work to do on myself, though. I still hold many limiting beliefs around money and my own success that are holding me back from living in full alignment with my true nature. At the time of the tarot reading, I don't think I understood the value of what loving oneself could bring to everyone around me. My trip to Costa Rica afforded me so many opportunities to practice what it would be like to spend as if I deserved it. Thinking only of what looked, felt, tasted, and smelled good - instead of focusing first on the price tag - and limiting my options to a select few. Oddly enough, I still stayed within my budget for the trip. But the spending felt different. The memories and friendships I have are priceless. And the photos will always be the starting point of incredible stories.
So what's the moral of the story?
Sometimes it takes someone else to point out your flaws to really see where you can be doing better. Sometimes it's painful. And sometimes it's beautiful. No matter what, you're likely to grow into an even more adventurous person. And sometimes the person to tell you is what matters - Alonso certainly isn't the first person to tell me I have self-worth, or money issues. I'm sure he won't be the last. But in these past few months, he was the right person for the job. He had a captive audience. Without the willingness to evolve, you will go nowhere, and the process of transformation will feel paralyzing. Surround yourself with people who will push you to become better. Give yourself permission to let go of relationships that don't serve you in this endeavor. And just fucking LIVE. It's what the human experience is all about.
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